Tag: motherhood

Nothing left to hide

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Something happened yesterday. Something earth shattering. It was one of those things, that if you’re a keeper of secrets you would be all to familiar with. You carry it with you everywhere. Decisions are made, opportunities turned down out of fear that it will expose you, expose it..

For literally a lifetime, my existence and my identity have been the worlds best kept secret for some. If you know me personally, or not, maybe you’ve just put a few of the puzzle pieces together.. you would know that in my early 20’s I was reunited with one half of my birth parents; my birth mother Natasha. It was at that time that I became aware that my birth father had not ever been open to his wife or family about my existence. So upon this discovery, I made myself a promise that I would never interfere with my birth father’s family or expose his secret. My conclusion has always been that everyone has secrets.. some are just significantly bigger than others.

In addition to this, I became very aware of the other people involved. The family of my birth father, did not ask for any of this, I am not a consequence of their actions and the discovery of my existence could potentially break an entire family unit. I always sensed that if the truth ever did come out, it would be earth shattering. How can you be married to someone for 32 years, only to find out that they’ve hidden something like a secret love child from you? How do you cope when your parents tell you that you’ve got a secret half sibling? I never wanted to be the reason for these innocent people having to consider these questions.

Yesterday it happened. The truth came out. Not by any action of my own, might I add. This was not my doing, not my wish, but I understand why the person responsible finally let the cat out of the bag. Initially I felt completely broken when I considered what would follow on for him and his wife. They would no doubt have a lot to discuss, to work through..but then I’ll admit, a wave of relief came upon me. The last lie. The last secret that I’ve been carrying around. It does feel freeing to know that I no longer have to hide who I am, I can tell my story openly, I can do that Ancestry.com DNA test that I’ve wanted to do for the last 5 years.

I sent a message to his wife apologising for what had taken place. To be confronted in her front yard with this information that had been hidden for 32 years. I cannot imagine the pain and betrayal she would have felt. I feel for her. In hindsight, I have found myself considering why I felt like I had to apologise. Essentially I apologised for existing, for being an inconvenience and cause of pain to her. As for him.. he never wanted me and he has made no effort to reach out. Still.. I’m left feeling raw by this whole experience, constantly having to bring my thoughts back in check and remind myself that the story I began with, the one where I wasn’t wanted.. thats not my story. & this guy, this person that I share DNA with. He is not my father. Through two very brief conversations I have come to know where my yearning to be in the ocean comes from, perhaps where my love of adrenaline also. The rest.. it means nothing.

I have a family. I have three beautiful children and despite feeling like this would absolutely break me in two… it hasn’t. Has it hurt? indeed. Have I felt rejection again and again.. yes. I feel this issue that adoptee’s wrestle with of feeling as though we don’t quite ‘fit’ anywhere… it will be something that I have to continue to punch on with for a lifetime. Nonetheless, I feel a freedom now. It’s out. I’m no longer a dirty little secret. It’s just a small part of my story, and we all know.. its never a good book without a plot twist.

Not sure why I felt to make this one public. I’m still writing a lot, but most of it is in private until I feel such a time to make it public. I just felt that instead of this crew, deciding who I am & what part I may have played in this.. I should give my two cents on the matter.

Sasha Fierce

Darling, it never goes away..

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We are out of the newborn phase and heading into milestones, solid food and crawling. Whilst I am sad to have lost the squishy baby phase so soon, I’m loving the constant changes that our tiny human gives us. I’ve noticed that with all these exciting changes, brings so many questions about what is ‘normal’, what she should be doing at … months and how the choices we make now will impact on her as she grows.

Some days I feel like we are doing fine and I am so in awe of our daughter, but if I’m really honest, there are others when I feel so consumed with worry that I wonder if it will ever go away.

My latest concern has been that Sophie isn’t yet rolling over from tummy to back. She somehow manages to achieve it when she’s in her bassinet, but put her on the floor & it’s like watching a dolphin waving its tail at SeaWorld. There’s a whole lot of head lifting and moving from side to side but not a lot of rolling. Yesterday I watched about 30 YouTube tutorials on how to help a baby roll over. I’m not kidding, and I did attempt to implement various techniques and subsequently manage to confuse our tiny human. She was fine. She forgot about it moments later when I showed her some flashing lights. Works every time!

I was chatting through this with an older and wiser woman who I sometimes bounce ideas off. She’s been a major support since I was a teenager and it seems no matter what season of life I am navigating, she’s always got some pearls of wisdom for me. After I told her all of the above & then some about feeling completely bombarded with concern, she calmly responded with these words: “Darling, it never goes away”.  How I wish she had lied to me. Could the woman not tell a fib for the sake of my sanity. There was no sugar coating, no softening the blow; just a promise put rather bluntly that I would never stop worrying about my Sophie.

What she said next has stuck with me and  allowed me to ease up a bit. She asked me,  “why do you think the worry won’t ever leave you? Because the unrelenting love that you feel for your daughter won’t”. Well, that had me in a pile of watery mess on the floor.

Maybe I will never stop worrying about this tiny human of mine. I guess the things I worry about will change and evolve as she grows. I only hope that I will learn the art of trusting the process and not giving so much time to worry. I’ve learnt this week that we can choose to be intentional about what goes on in our mind. I’m working on applying that idea more. Instead of worrying so much about whether she can shake a rattle at three months, I’m going to to focus on worrying about the example I am setting for her in the way I treat others. I will worry about how I speak in front of her and I worry about how much time I invest into teaching her how much she is worth. Those things deserve all the time.

What worries you as a parent? Did you get better at dealing with it over time or does it still consume you?

Xx SF

Weekend Wonders

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We had a great weekend in our little family. It was father’s day on Sunday so we decided to declare ‘family time’ to give Steve a break from all the work he’s been doing around the house (more on that to come).

We live about an hour from the Gold Coast so it’s not a far drive for us to go down and enjoy the beach whenever we get a chance. After Steve had a morning of mountain biking, we set off for the coast. We chose to have lunch down there as there’s this great little greek place called Greek Street Grill that we like to go to. They do the most amazing tasting plates and we always leave feeling well fed and happy.

After that I had planned to take some photos of Sophie on the beach with my SLR. Unfortunately she has been a little off this week and she had finally fallen asleep so we decided to let her stay in the land of nod for a little longer. We did cheat and take a nice shot of her in the Ergo on the beach.

The water looked amazing and I was half wishing I had brought my board down so I could have a paddle, but there wasn’t much out there and I was so happy to have some time with Steve.

After we walked on the beach I had planned to go to Donut Boyz, but we came across this cool Belgian chocolate café and Steve insisted we go in so he could have some waffles. I saw fondue and caved. I was slightly annoyed at the size they cut my strawberries for the fondue. It made it nearly impossible to keep them on the skewer. The mocha frappe made up for it though.

Sunday was jam packed with church and extended family Father’s day celebrations. Our church bought 300 Donut Boyz Doughnuts and served them up with Ginger Beer after church, we had a great BBQ with my in-laws for lunch. Sophie decided that the celebrating was all too much and took a large nap on the couch. She had a tutu skirt that went with the outfit but the poor little thing has been rather bloated so I took it off her so she was more comfortable.


I’ve been seeing so many photos of Father’s Day celebrations on social media. Tell me, what are your family traditions for days like this? Did you do something special for your other half on his first Fathers Day?

SF
x

It takes a village

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It’s been rather quiet around here lately. For our little family & some others close to us; life just seems to be throwing a few curve balls. I don’t know whether it’s a half year hiatus that arrived a few months late, or that we have been floating on baby cloud nine for the past three months and I’m finally coming back down to earth. Don’t get me wrong, every day is amazing with our tiny human. It’s just that life happens, & I can’t just take a break from parenting you know?

Last fortnight my dad had a fall in the front yard and cracked his head open. He’s okay, other than being less than impressed that I’m now calling him Humpty Dumpty. He had to stay the night in hospital & due to a prior arrangement my Mum was unable to collect him the next morning. Humpty uses a wheelie walker & has poor mobility so it would have been rather difficult to collect him with a tiny human. My mother in-law kindly watched Sophie while I went to pick him up. After retrieving Humpty from hospital; I went to collect my tiny human and started the drive home. As I was driving, I got thinking about this quote:

“It takes a village to raise a child” – African Proverb

It made me realize that over the past few weeks I have seen the above proverb, lived out through the people around me. I don’t know how I would have gotten to this point in motherhood without the support network that I have around me. I am blown away at the support from my husband, my parents, my in-laws & my amazing friends. It’s the little things that have made the biggest difference to our little family.

Little things like: having someone offer to cook us a meal, my mother in-law watching Sophie for me, my Mum coming over to clean my house, & my friends texting me to see how I’m going. I feel for those who don’t have this kind of community around them. I can imagine that it would be really difficult.

There was a time when I didn’t have a lot of people around me. I didn’t have a child, but I had managed to build a proverbial brick wall around myself in some twisted attempt at self preservation. It sucked. A lot. So after a few months of wallowing in self pity, I pulled myself out of my funk and found ways to connect again. I got online and found some groups that were running in my area. I love photography, so once I found a group of people who had something in common with me; it wasn’t so hard to get talking. I also got connected in my local church. The amount of times that my church community have been there to lift me up when I’m feeling heavy have been too many to count. It also means that I now have a resource pool of many generations of mums who have gone before me to bug with questions about tiny humans.

I guess the point I am trying to make is: life is hard & parenting is even harder. You shouldn’t have to go it alone. If you don’t have friends or family around to support you, branch out and find some people who can. I came across this site a few years ago and I tell people about it all the time. Meetup.com is a website with a group for every interest you can imagine. There are groups for web developers, introverts, knitting, mums groups and extreme sports lovers. You can narrow down the search to groups that meet close to your home or city wide. Another way you can branch out is to check out your local play group. If all of these options are still daunting, then please feel free to drop me a line and I can try to help you look at options near you.

I hope whoever you are & wherever you are that you’re having a great week.

Keep living the dream
Sasha Fierce
X

Where did my newborn go?

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I have found myself asking this question a lot over the past few weeks. Our tiny human is three months old & already I’m fighting the urge to hit rewind.

Sophie has now grown out of most of her 000 baby clothing. It’s problematic as although the 000 clothes are snug, her little legs are too short for 00.  I mistakenly bought a pair of 00 jeans for her this week online, they arrived & I kid you not, they are almost the length of her entire body.

Another change that we’ve noticed is that Sophie has started sleeping through the night. At first she extended her sleep by the odd half hour, & then sometime last week I awoke at 6:00am to find that she had slept through. I can’t help but think that the implementation of a routine & a 7:00pm bedtime has assisted us to get to this point.

Sophie has also began blowing rasberries & making noises in response to us. I have to admit, it’s flipping cute & I may now be “that mum”. You know, the one that pulls faces at their child & makes animal sounds in the supermarket. Yep. I don’t even care, as long as it means that I get to see my tiny human smile.

Speaking of smiles.. Here’s another one for good measure

Isn’t she adorable

Have a brilliant week people

Sasha Fierce Xx

An Open Letter to Mum’s

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I became a first time mother 10 weeks ago. It has only been a little over two months, but it feels like the lessons I’ve learnt in that time are enough to last till I’m 80. When I see another mum when I’m out and about, I realise how much we have in common. We have so many differences, I’m sure; but the struggles we face, the questions we ask ourselves and the tiredness we often feel are very much the same.

morning coffee

Dear Other Mums,

I saw you today in the supermarket, with your two little ones. One was screaming for the lollies at the checkout and the other was pulling your skirt demanding attention. I saw the look of embarrassment on your face that screamed “please God just let us get out of this store and in to the car”. I also saw the other mum in the aisle watching and rolling her eyes.

I saw you at the coffee shop with your newborn, you had the same glazed over look that I wear every couple of days. I also saw the working Mum, ready for her day at the office and the way she shook her head in assumption that you had no excuse to be tired.

I saw you in the clothing store. You walked up and down with your pram, trying to find something that would accommodate that “I just gave birth” figure. I also saw the stylish, well dressed mum with her designer pram look you up and down.

I read your post on Facebook, when you said you’re struggling in the hope that someone could relate and provide a hint of encouragement. I also saw some of the comments that followed from women who know exactly how that feels but were too scared to admit it.

Can I let you in on a secret? I have those days too.

I’ve had that moment where I’m at the shops with my screaming newborn and copped the looks from passers-by who have no idea that my child has just been fed, changed and there’s nothing else that I can physically do to meet their needs. They don’t know that my child suffers from reflux and this is the only thing that calms her down when she’s in pain.

I’ve had that moment when it’s 2:00am and I’m tired and emotional and I just need to hear encouragement from someone who “gets it”.

I’ve had that moment when I’m out and about and I see a mum looking oh so fine with her newborn and wonder what planet she came from, because in my world looking like that is not humanly possible.

Why are we so quick to tear each other down? The hardest job I’ve ever had is this one. It’s rewarding and beautiful and the best thing to ever happen to me; but I would be lying if I said it wasn’t hard work.

I’ve never questioned myself as much as I do now as a parent. Google should cut me a cheque for the amount of hits I have given their site in the past 10 weeks.

We need to start pulling back the masks and being honest with each other. We need to stop being so concerned about what people might “think” and being willing to walk up to each other and give a word of encouragement.

Statements like:

  • “I’ve been there and you’ll get through it” 
  • “you’re doing a good job”
  • “it’s okay to not have all the answers”

Never underestimate the power of one of these said outloud to another mum. It reminds us that we are human, that we are not alone, and that there is hope.

To the mums who have grown up children, sometimes the best wisdom that you can share, is the stories of the times that you didn’t get it right.

We need to do less of the comparison and more of the community.

So ladies, I’ve got a newsflash for you:
We’re on the same team. Let me spell that out more clearly..
W E   A R E   O N   T H E   S A M E   T E A M

Let’s build each other up and do less of the tearing down.

Tag, you’re it. Pass it on.

Sasha Fierce.

Tales of a sleep deprived mum Episode 1

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So blogging is all about being honest and getting it out there right? Well, with that in mind I have a confession to make.

I tend to become a little odd when I’m tired. It’s not that I go into nervous breakdown mode or anything; but more that I sometimes can be awkward, clumsy and just a tad like Phoebe from Friends when I’m low on the zzz’s.

Earlier this week I had to make a phone call regarding a service that I have. It had been a rough night with Sophie but I was determined to kick over a few things on my ‘to do’ list before I caught up on sleep. So I made the call, went through the automated system and got connected to a customer service representative. For the purpose of this post lets call her Maggie.

Maggie was very understanding regarding my issue. She spent some time initially checking my details but then allowed me to fully explain the situation. I went on to tell Maggie that I hadn’t been receiving my bank statements each month and how this was causing a lot of confusion when it came to paying my credit card bill because I never knew the minimum amount required for payment. I also politely reminded Maggie that I had purchased a product and how I was disappointed in the bank and their ability to deliver said product.

I didnt get angry, but I did make clear my frustration in regards to the situation and strongly requested that the matter be looked in to and resolved as soon as possible.

I still think that Maggie deserves an award for her patience and willingness to listen to my concerns, because  after I had finished my toned down rant, she calmly explained that whilst she understood my frustration; was I aware that I had called RACQ insurance and not my bank?

Insert awkward silence here. In that moment I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I had no idea what to respond with other than “I’m sorry, I’m a new mum and I’m sleep deprived”. Maggie responded with giggles and some encouragement from one mum to another. I’m sure though that there may have been an office wide email telling the tale of that phone call, or even a meeting to discuss what to do if that girl calls about her bank again.

So what have I learnt from this experience?

  1. Don’t zone out when going through an automated phone system. Usually they provide helpful information such as identifying where it is you are calling
  2. Be kind to yourself, this new season comes with many new experiences, including making a huge fool of oneself

I have deliberately included Episode 1 in the title because I have no doubt that there will be many more of these to come in the future.

Has anybody else had similar experiences? I’m keen to hear about them.

Sasha Fierce

If it aint’ broke..

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I made a silly mistake last week. I tried to implement a new sleeping routine for Sophie in an attempt to get her to sleep through the night. But as the title says.. if it ain’t broke…

And it ain’t. Sophie is doing well in terms of sleeping. On average, she feeds every four hours during the day; and then we are usually blessed with a five or six hour stint of sleep at night with a night feed somewhere between midnight & 2:00am.

I met up with an old friend last weekend and she told me how her son was “sleeping through the night” at Sophie’s age and suggested that I read this book that changed her life. I guess the lure of an uninterrupted 8 hours of sleep was the reason behind my choice to give it a go, but honestly, it wasn’t necessary and we paid for it with a baby who didn’t get the sudden change in routine.

I’m not saying its a bad book or that it didn’t have a few valid points around establishing a routine; but I felt as though this plan that was meant to elleviate stress and help my child sleep more did nothing but make me feel inadequate and as though I was failing at baby sleep 101. It also made me believe that in order to implement said routine, leaving the house with a baby.. Ever.. Would be dictated by the many nap times of the day.

What worked?

Not a lot, to be honest. Perhaps what worked is that I gained some perspective through the process and was able to find a clear stance on a few perspectives on  infant sleep.

What didn’t work?

The whole concept of cry it out. I refuse to implement controlled crying. I just can’t do it. Maybe when she’s older I will change my mind on the topic; but for now it’s a no from me.

I’ll admit, I’m a softy when it comes to my little girl, but is that such a bad thing? To simply refuse to respond to her at this early stage in her development does not sit well with me.

The other thing that didn’t work for me was this strict regime of feeding & sleeping. The book wanted me to feed Sophie every three hours and only allow her to be awake for 45 minutes max. It also suggested that naps in the pram or in the car were an absolute no no and that I should simply plan my life better.

In the 24 hours that I attempted this routine, we barely got to spend time with our daughter. I felt as though the day to day interactions that we have with her where she is smiling, cooing, having tummy time, chilling in her baby swing and enjoying cuddles went out the window.

I’ve deliberately left out the name of the book because I don’t want to come across as critical of those who have implemented its methods. If it works for you and your child; I’m truly happy for you. My point is that it was silly of me to try and change Sophie’s routine when there really isn’t anything wrong with the way she sleeps.

I’ve said this before in a previous post, I’m learning that one of the golden tickets of raising a child is that there is conflicting advice on all aspects all around & it’s about having wisdom to find what works for you and your family.

I just wish I had recognised this last week during my coffee catch up. Next time I will be stoked that the other person has found something that works for them and continue on my merry way.

Baby appreciation post

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It’s now been just over two months since our Sophie entered the world. I’m still finding myself forgetting that life existed before we had a baby. This little person has managed to turn my life upside down, in the best way possible.

I had some pretty serious anxiety about what parenting a newborn would look like. I had this idea that if I read every parenting book in existence, I would be less likely to infinitely suck at caring for a baby. I’ve learnt that it is so different when it’s your own child. Most things come naturally, & I’ve learnt that reading mass amounts of parenting books can be pretty flipping confusing (another post on that to come).

In two months, it appears that we have mastered the art of telling the difference between Sophie’s cries. The tired cry sounds completely different to the hungry cry. But to be completely honest, Sophie doesn’t cry much since we’ve got a handle on her reflux. She’s one chubby, happy, contented little girl.

Sophie (8 weeks old)

In two months I have seen this little person transform from a sleepy newborn, to a kicking, smiling, giggling & cooing little human. She lights up my world; and she makes things that were once “important”, not so important anymore.

S

10 things I’ve learned in my first month of motherhood

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As we cross over the one month mark since Sophie’s birth, I find myself already passing on the pearls of wisdom that I have managed to acquire in this short time to other expeccting mothers. For kicks, I thought… why not share them with the internet world too.. Surely I am not the only one who has experienced some of these.

1. My heart is so full, I have been expecting it to explode or something

Not even exaggerating here. This tiny human is my world. I said to someone about three days in, I would jump in front of a bus for her. In one short month, she has managed to drastically shift my perspective on my life’s goals and how I approach my marriage. It is no longer just about me striving to further my career, shower my husband with love and enjoy our free time. I am already thinking 20 years ahead at the life that I am creating for her.

I’ve been really challenged through this shift, and I think this will be a lifelong marathon where I will  constantly be reflecting and evaluating how my choices will in turn impact on my child. In comparison to the lifestyle and perspective I once held, its not at all a bad change.

2. Note to self: Surround yourself with supportive & awesome people who get you & the journey you’re on!

If you want to make any friends at mothers’ group, don’t tell them if your baby is sleeping well at three weeks, whether you plan to return to work, that you’re not nearly as tired as you thought you would be, or whether you are pro/con co-sleeping. Just tread very carefully around the topic of sleep.. it’s a doozie.

Honestly though, find a good group of mums that you trust and enjoy spending time with. I checked out a few groups prior to giving birth and I am so glad that I did. One in particular, I arrived for coffee with a group of about 20 women who were pregnant and due around the same month as me. It all seemed to be going well until they asked whether I would be going back to work after materntiy leave.

Needless to say, they did not really care too much for my response and I left shortly after that due to an “urgent call from a friend who needed me”. I’ve been really blessed though to have an amazing group of friends who are becoming parents or are already. We meet up once a fortnight at a friend’s house and it is refreshingly great to be able to ask questions, chat about all things baby and just connect with people who I know aren’t judging me for my life choices.

I have the perspective that every person is different, as are their children. So I am not one to pass judgement or make assumptions based on a set of circumstances I know nothing about. Seriously people.. be kind to each other okay!

3. Browsing online shopping sites during night time feeds is dangerous game to play

It’s only been four weeks and I have already managed to make online purchases & wake the next morning with no recollection. It was only when I opened my inbox to find a bunch of “your receipt for …” emails, that I realised what had happened. Kudos to my midnight conscious self though because they were all necessary items that I had been meaning to look in to further.

4. More than once you will find yourself pushing an empty pram, rocking a shopping trolley or swaying from side to side when your baby is not with you.

Yep. Did this in the line to get some takeaway the other day. I had Sophie in the baby carrier and the pram was loaded up with the grocery basket filled with my purchases. I was getting some funny looks and then I realised. *excuse me while I go die now

5. You’ve never known fury until someone wakes your child after a 5 hour sleep refusal marathon.

Not even kidding. We had a particularly difficult week with Sophie last week due to congestion. After almost an entire day of her not sleeping, I finally managed to put her down and some door knockers came by.

The first time I was pretty gracious to the fact that they caused my dog to start barking the house down and almost woke my child; but when they returned a second time after I had told them very clearly that I was not interested in the book of Mormon to ask me if I was “sure” I did not want to hear their message…. lets just say they got a rather different response.. One I am not particularly proud of *Oops

6. The new and improved muffin top that once was your pregnant belly is here to stay. Accept it and think of it as a “token gift” from your pregnancy.

I’m not even worried. The plus side is that breastfeeding is like the best weight loss method I have ever come across, so the rest of me is looking rather good.

At the end of the day, I have this awesome little person and I know people who would have given their right arms or more to be able to have a child. So I choose to love myself and be stoked that I got to carry and birth my beautiful daughter and let the rest go.

7. Beware clucky over 50’s women in the shopping centre who think it’s okay to come up and touch the baby without permission

Countless times this has happened already. My new response is to ask them what brand of foundation they use and reach out to touch their faces. I can’t quite put my finger on why they run away at this point, but it does the trick!

8. 10 minute drives away are no more!

The other day I had to ‘pop up the road’ for something. For real, I pulled that car over 4 times before I even parked because my beautiful little treasure decided to play the “lets spit the dummy out and crack it” game over and over again. The silver lining is that she is too young to need entertainment in the car so I am not yet being tortured by the frozen soundtrack.

9. It’s all about team work

In one month, I have eaten dinner at the same time as my husband only a handful of times. I’m learning that he is the love of my life and my husband.. but he is also my partner in crime and team-mate when it comes to raising my little bundle of joy. This means that sometimes we are going to have to forfeit those dinner time catch ups in order to ensure that all of her needs are met. I’m okay with this because I get to see my husband rock the dad gig and that just makes me love him even more.

10. Self-doubt happens and when it does.. approach google with caution

There have been many times this month where I have found myself wondering whether I am doing this parenting gig right, whether I am using the right brand of nappy cream, whether I am wrong to be sleeping my child on her side because she simply hates being on her back. Many times I have taken to google to try and find some magic answer to some of these questions.

I am learning that everyone has an opinion on how to do things, and all of these opinions are going to be different. So take what works for you and run with it (within reason of course). But again, reach out to other mums that you trust, mums that have gone before you (they have some pearls of wisdom to offer too) and be kind to yourself.

I hope you get something out of the above list. I’m still learning so I’m sure there will be a follow up to this one down the track.

Have an epic week 🙂

Sasha