Nothing left to hide

Something happened yesterday. Something earth shattering. It was one of those things, that if you’re a keeper of secrets you would be all to familiar with. You carry it with you everywhere. Decisions are made, opportunities turned down out of fear that it will expose you, expose it..

For literally a lifetime, my existence and my identity have been the worlds best kept secret for some. If you know me personally, or not, maybe you’ve just put a few of the puzzle pieces together.. you would know that in my early 20’s I was reunited with one half of my birth parents; my birth mother Natasha. It was at that time that I became aware that my birth father had not ever been open to his wife or family about my existence. So upon this discovery, I made myself a promise that I would never interfere with my birth father’s family or expose his secret. My conclusion has always been that everyone has secrets.. some are just significantly bigger than others.

In addition to this, I became very aware of the other people involved. The family of my birth father, did not ask for any of this, I am not a consequence of their actions and the discovery of my existence could potentially break an entire family unit. I always sensed that if the truth ever did come out, it would be earth shattering. How can you be married to someone for 32 years, only to find out that they’ve hidden something like a secret love child from you? How do you cope when your parents tell you that you’ve got a secret half sibling? I never wanted to be the reason for these innocent people having to consider these questions.

Yesterday it happened. The truth came out. Not by any action of my own, might I add. This was not my doing, not my wish, but I understand why the person responsible finally let the cat out of the bag. Initially I felt completely broken when I considered what would follow on for him and his wife. They would no doubt have a lot to discuss, to work through..but then I’ll admit, a wave of relief came upon me. The last lie. The last secret that I’ve been carrying around. It does feel freeing to know that I no longer have to hide who I am, I can tell my story openly, I can do that Ancestry.com DNA test that I’ve wanted to do for the last 5 years.

I sent a message to his wife apologising for what had taken place. To be confronted in her front yard with this information that had been hidden for 32 years. I cannot imagine the pain and betrayal she would have felt. I feel for her. In hindsight, I have found myself considering why I felt like I had to apologise. Essentially I apologised for existing, for being an inconvenience and cause of pain to her. As for him.. he never wanted me and he has made no effort to reach out. Still.. I’m left feeling raw by this whole experience, constantly having to bring my thoughts back in check and remind myself that the story I began with, the one where I wasn’t wanted.. thats not my story. & this guy, this person that I share DNA with. He is not my father. Through two very brief conversations I have come to know where my yearning to be in the ocean comes from, perhaps where my love of adrenaline also. The rest.. it means nothing.

I have a family. I have three beautiful children and despite feeling like this would absolutely break me in two… it hasn’t. Has it hurt? indeed. Have I felt rejection again and again.. yes. I feel this issue that adoptee’s wrestle with of feeling as though we don’t quite ‘fit’ anywhere… it will be something that I have to continue to punch on with for a lifetime. Nonetheless, I feel a freedom now. It’s out. I’m no longer a dirty little secret. It’s just a small part of my story, and we all know.. its never a good book without a plot twist.

Not sure why I felt to make this one public. I’m still writing a lot, but most of it is in private until I feel such a time to make it public. I just felt that instead of this crew, deciding who I am & what part I may have played in this.. I should give my two cents on the matter.

Sasha Fierce

Weekend Wonders

We had a great weekend in our little family. It was father’s day on Sunday so we decided to declare ‘family time’ to give Steve a break from all the work he’s been doing around the house (more on that to come).

We live about an hour from the Gold Coast so it’s not a far drive for us to go down and enjoy the beach whenever we get a chance. After Steve had a morning of mountain biking, we set off for the coast. We chose to have lunch down there as there’s this great little greek place called Greek Street Grill that we like to go to. They do the most amazing tasting plates and we always leave feeling well fed and happy.

After that I had planned to take some photos of Sophie on the beach with my SLR. Unfortunately she has been a little off this week and she had finally fallen asleep so we decided to let her stay in the land of nod for a little longer. We did cheat and take a nice shot of her in the Ergo on the beach.

The water looked amazing and I was half wishing I had brought my board down so I could have a paddle, but there wasn’t much out there and I was so happy to have some time with Steve.

After we walked on the beach I had planned to go to Donut Boyz, but we came across this cool Belgian chocolate café and Steve insisted we go in so he could have some waffles. I saw fondue and caved. I was slightly annoyed at the size they cut my strawberries for the fondue. It made it nearly impossible to keep them on the skewer. The mocha frappe made up for it though.

Sunday was jam packed with church and extended family Father’s day celebrations. Our church bought 300 Donut Boyz Doughnuts and served them up with Ginger Beer after church, we had a great BBQ with my in-laws for lunch. Sophie decided that the celebrating was all too much and took a large nap on the couch. She had a tutu skirt that went with the outfit but the poor little thing has been rather bloated so I took it off her so she was more comfortable.


I’ve been seeing so many photos of Father’s Day celebrations on social media. Tell me, what are your family traditions for days like this? Did you do something special for your other half on his first Fathers Day?

SF
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