It’s been a while

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I’ve had some emails and messages lately from those who’ve discovered my blog and are wondering whether I am still writing. There’s a short answer to this and a long one. The short answer is yes, I am still writing blog content but lately I’ve been writing it in private mode since I’m just not in the greatest space and I am mindful that no one really wants to read 30 posts about how I am struggling with managing Levi’s health and the mum gig at the moment.

Yesterday I had a really honest conversation with another mum who is walking a similar journey and she mentioned that she finds it helpful to read the not so great posts, because that’s where we all find ourselves so often and it helps to know we aren’t alone. I know for me, despite the best efforts of everyone around me I am feeling quite alone in this currently.

I have found that when things all fell apart initially with Lily and also with Levi, there’s a stirring with people and they scurry to offer support. I am so thankful for the multitudes of people who have made meals for us, prayed for us, came and washed my car, mowed our lawn. It seriously made the world of difference while we were coming home on oxygen with a newborn and figuring out what all of this meant in terms of daily life. I’ve found though, that once the initial storm settles, there’s this silence that creeps in. Everyone goes back to their lives (rightly so) and then we have to work out this new normal that is our life.

The normality hasn’t come so easy this time around. Hospital appointments have been scattered, leaving some weeks with not even a day at home. Communication broke down between teams for a while there which meant that whilst everyone was able to see the issue, there was no clarity in the best approach to fix it. Fatigue has set in and I can’t quite work out whether I feel worse this time physically and emotionally because I’ve walked this road before and I have a fair idea of the forecast ahead of us; or whether I am just soo damn tired from getting the last kid healthy that I don’t have any steam left.

Isolation is a killer. I get it, it’s not a pretty picture here. Its hard, its messy, and often my house looks like a bad episode of modern family where people are crying, somethings on fire (okay I may have exaggerated there), chaos ensues and then at the end of the day we all just fall in a big heap and brace ourselves for another day.

I’ve been really fortunate to find a small but genuine group of people who have kids with medically complex needs. They too survive on coffee, catch ups with like minded mamas and the occasional stiff drink. And while its helpful to have these beautiful people in my world who can say the right things and just listen without batting an eyelid when I retell the story of my child vomiting purple all through my car; I miss the people who were a part of our village before my life went up in flames. I miss hearing about their lives, their jobs and all the things that I valued and appreciated in them. Just because I’ve had to create a new community to support a part of my life; it doesn’t mean I don’t miss the former one that existed.

I’ve had this post sitting here for just over two months. I’ve struggled with whether to share it. There is something in me that cringes at the core at the thought of appearing lonely, because frankly it feels uncomfortable; but it also implies that those currently in my world don’t do it for me, and that’s absolutely not the case. I am just grieving for the life that we used to have. I miss my work. I miss being Sasha.

I’m still working on the answer to all of this. I don’t have some shiny resolution to sign off with. But that’s where its at. That’s where my heart is.

Sasha Fierce

x

Darling, it never goes away..

We are out of the newborn phase and heading into milestones, solid food and crawling. Whilst I am sad to have lost the squishy baby phase so soon, I’m loving the constant changes that our tiny human gives us. I’ve noticed that with all these exciting changes, brings so many questions about what is ‘normal’, what she should be doing at … months and how the choices we make now will impact on her as she grows.

Some days I feel like we are doing fine and I am so in awe of our daughter, but if I’m really honest, there are others when I feel so consumed with worry that I wonder if it will ever go away.

My latest concern has been that Sophie isn’t yet rolling over from tummy to back. She somehow manages to achieve it when she’s in her bassinet, but put her on the floor & it’s like watching a dolphin waving its tail at SeaWorld. There’s a whole lot of head lifting and moving from side to side but not a lot of rolling. Yesterday I watched about 30 YouTube tutorials on how to help a baby roll over. I’m not kidding, and I did attempt to implement various techniques and subsequently manage to confuse our tiny human. She was fine. She forgot about it moments later when I showed her some flashing lights. Works every time!

I was chatting through this with an older and wiser woman who I sometimes bounce ideas off. She’s been a major support since I was a teenager and it seems no matter what season of life I am navigating, she’s always got some pearls of wisdom for me. After I told her all of the above & then some about feeling completely bombarded with concern, she calmly responded with these words: “Darling, it never goes away”.  How I wish she had lied to me. Could the woman not tell a fib for the sake of my sanity. There was no sugar coating, no softening the blow; just a promise put rather bluntly that I would never stop worrying about my Sophie.

What she said next has stuck with me and  allowed me to ease up a bit. She asked me,  “why do you think the worry won’t ever leave you? Because the unrelenting love that you feel for your daughter won’t”. Well, that had me in a pile of watery mess on the floor.

Maybe I will never stop worrying about this tiny human of mine. I guess the things I worry about will change and evolve as she grows. I only hope that I will learn the art of trusting the process and not giving so much time to worry. I’ve learnt this week that we can choose to be intentional about what goes on in our mind. I’m working on applying that idea more. Instead of worrying so much about whether she can shake a rattle at three months, I’m going to to focus on worrying about the example I am setting for her in the way I treat others. I will worry about how I speak in front of her and I worry about how much time I invest into teaching her how much she is worth. Those things deserve all the time.

What worries you as a parent? Did you get better at dealing with it over time or does it still consume you?

Xx SF

Weekend Wonders

We had a great weekend in our little family. It was father’s day on Sunday so we decided to declare ‘family time’ to give Steve a break from all the work he’s been doing around the house (more on that to come).

We live about an hour from the Gold Coast so it’s not a far drive for us to go down and enjoy the beach whenever we get a chance. After Steve had a morning of mountain biking, we set off for the coast. We chose to have lunch down there as there’s this great little greek place called Greek Street Grill that we like to go to. They do the most amazing tasting plates and we always leave feeling well fed and happy.

After that I had planned to take some photos of Sophie on the beach with my SLR. Unfortunately she has been a little off this week and she had finally fallen asleep so we decided to let her stay in the land of nod for a little longer. We did cheat and take a nice shot of her in the Ergo on the beach.

The water looked amazing and I was half wishing I had brought my board down so I could have a paddle, but there wasn’t much out there and I was so happy to have some time with Steve.

After we walked on the beach I had planned to go to Donut Boyz, but we came across this cool Belgian chocolate café and Steve insisted we go in so he could have some waffles. I saw fondue and caved. I was slightly annoyed at the size they cut my strawberries for the fondue. It made it nearly impossible to keep them on the skewer. The mocha frappe made up for it though.

Sunday was jam packed with church and extended family Father’s day celebrations. Our church bought 300 Donut Boyz Doughnuts and served them up with Ginger Beer after church, we had a great BBQ with my in-laws for lunch. Sophie decided that the celebrating was all too much and took a large nap on the couch. She had a tutu skirt that went with the outfit but the poor little thing has been rather bloated so I took it off her so she was more comfortable.


I’ve been seeing so many photos of Father’s Day celebrations on social media. Tell me, what are your family traditions for days like this? Did you do something special for your other half on his first Fathers Day?

SF
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