Nothing left to hide

Something happened yesterday. Something earth shattering. It was one of those things, that if you’re a keeper of secrets you would be all to familiar with. You carry it with you everywhere. Decisions are made, opportunities turned down out of fear that it will expose you, expose it..

For literally a lifetime, my existence and my identity have been the worlds best kept secret for some. If you know me personally, or not, maybe you’ve just put a few of the puzzle pieces together.. you would know that in my early 20’s I was reunited with one half of my birth parents; my birth mother Natasha. It was at that time that I became aware that my birth father had not ever been open to his wife or family about my existence. So upon this discovery, I made myself a promise that I would never interfere with my birth father’s family or expose his secret. My conclusion has always been that everyone has secrets.. some are just significantly bigger than others.

In addition to this, I became very aware of the other people involved. The family of my birth father, did not ask for any of this, I am not a consequence of their actions and the discovery of my existence could potentially break an entire family unit. I always sensed that if the truth ever did come out, it would be earth shattering. How can you be married to someone for 32 years, only to find out that they’ve hidden something like a secret love child from you? How do you cope when your parents tell you that you’ve got a secret half sibling? I never wanted to be the reason for these innocent people having to consider these questions.

Yesterday it happened. The truth came out. Not by any action of my own, might I add. This was not my doing, not my wish, but I understand why the person responsible finally let the cat out of the bag. Initially I felt completely broken when I considered what would follow on for him and his wife. They would no doubt have a lot to discuss, to work through..but then I’ll admit, a wave of relief came upon me. The last lie. The last secret that I’ve been carrying around. It does feel freeing to know that I no longer have to hide who I am, I can tell my story openly, I can do that Ancestry.com DNA test that I’ve wanted to do for the last 5 years.

I sent a message to his wife apologising for what had taken place. To be confronted in her front yard with this information that had been hidden for 32 years. I cannot imagine the pain and betrayal she would have felt. I feel for her. In hindsight, I have found myself considering why I felt like I had to apologise. Essentially I apologised for existing, for being an inconvenience and cause of pain to her. As for him.. he never wanted me and he has made no effort to reach out. Still.. I’m left feeling raw by this whole experience, constantly having to bring my thoughts back in check and remind myself that the story I began with, the one where I wasn’t wanted.. thats not my story. & this guy, this person that I share DNA with. He is not my father. Through two very brief conversations I have come to know where my yearning to be in the ocean comes from, perhaps where my love of adrenaline also. The rest.. it means nothing.

I have a family. I have three beautiful children and despite feeling like this would absolutely break me in two… it hasn’t. Has it hurt? indeed. Have I felt rejection again and again.. yes. I feel this issue that adoptee’s wrestle with of feeling as though we don’t quite ‘fit’ anywhere… it will be something that I have to continue to punch on with for a lifetime. Nonetheless, I feel a freedom now. It’s out. I’m no longer a dirty little secret. It’s just a small part of my story, and we all know.. its never a good book without a plot twist.

Not sure why I felt to make this one public. I’m still writing a lot, but most of it is in private until I feel such a time to make it public. I just felt that instead of this crew, deciding who I am & what part I may have played in this.. I should give my two cents on the matter.

Sasha Fierce

One thought on “Nothing left to hide

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