I’m still spinning

What a week, month, year it has been. I’m sitting here scratching my head trying to figure out what on earth I could have done for this week to turn out the way it did. I’ll admit, I’m still not too good with this opening up thing, but I am trying to process my thoughts more openly rather than just isolating myself from everyone and posting cryptic quotes on instagram and Facebook as if that helps me even in the slightest.

I lost a friend this week. He wasn’t a “bestie” type of friend that has been in my life recently. He was a ‘from the past’ type of friend. One that I connected with on a deep level a fair few years ago when we were both going through a really rough time. I paid for his bike to be fixed once so he could get to work, and he had this way of looking into me and knowing when I was not okay. He would turn up at my uni library with Slurpee’s on bad days. It made me very sad to hear that he has passed; from what I had seen on Facebook and heard through the grapevine, he had started to do really well for himself. It’s a message I guess that life is short, only a glimpse and we need to treasure the time we have here.

To add to it, we had some disappointing news about my dad and his health. He desperately needs a hip replacement and currently he’s relying on a walker. To be honest, this has been incredibly difficult for me to see my dad struggle like this and lose his independence. So he met with the surgeon and was told that they will not operate because he is too high risk with his other health issues. Now we are faced with the reality that he will most likely end up in a wheelchair. I know a lot of people have it worse, but for a moment I just need to say that its not bloody fair. None of this has been fair for dad. Three lots of cancer, diabetes, a heart condition, cirrhosis of the liver, and now he can’t walk. It just sucks.

And to top off a bad week, my birth mum’s puppy got hit by a car this afternoon. It’s heartbreaking. My little brother has been away for some time now and was due to return home tomorrow. He didn’t even get to say goodbye.

I know that there’s a reason for all of this, and one day it will make sense.. but right now; right here, it hurts. And instead of reaching out and asking for support, I find myself shutting down and closing into myself; because if I can’t make sense of this mess.. how will anyone else?

I often feel as though if this stuff didn’t happen to me; I wouldn’t believe it. The truth is, I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. I don’t know what the purpose of this post was.. maybe I just needed to be real. This is hard. I trust that thing’s will improve. I have hope that a new season is coming.

So tell me, internet world… Did I break a mirror or something?